Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] If you were never taught what your responsibilities are as a man in a relationship or in a marriage, you've probably made your own assumptions about what's right and what's wrong. And for many men, a day comes where they realize that they have done all the wrong things while thinking that they were doing all the right things and find themselves surprised when their life is falling apart all around them. I was in a relationship for 10 years and made every mistake in the book and I was completely caught off guard when she moved out with our two children, leaving me to navigate life on my own for the first time in a decade. At first I said I don't understand. I did everything right. But as I researched and learned what it means to be a man and what my responsibilities were as a man in a relationship, I soon realized that I had actually done everything wrong. If it's your first time here My name is Michael Riggs. I'm a full time author, entrepreneur, Men's personal development and marriage mentor, husband and father of six. And I teach men all over the world how to live fully optimized, leveled up lives. So if that's something you're into, definitely stick around. Subscribe to this channel or this podcast wherever you're getting this. And Today I'm sharing 10 critical mistakes that I made in a relationship so you don't have to and maybe this is reaching you just in time before it's too late. Hello and welcome to the Warrior Kings Podcast. I'm your host, Michael Riggs, here to assist you on your journey to living a fully optimized, leveled up life as a man. So again, welcome and welcome back to the Warrior Kings podcast. It's great to be here today. It's great to talk to you today. If you're listening to this when it's coming out, it is Thanksgiving week. We have just entered the week of Thanksgiving here in the United States and Christmas is coming up fast. I mean time is really flying right now, but I'm super excited. Looking forward to another year of doing this talking to you guys. I have great visions for the future of this thing and my work just really getting amped up for the new year. But with all that being said, let's dive right into the topic of the day, which is 10 relationship mistakes I made that I'm going to share with you so you don't have to make those same mistakes. So a lot of you know me as the guy who teaches men how to be honorable, respectable, successful men. And you know that I talk about marriage a lot and that I wrote the literal book on how to be a good husband. And you know that I'm a husband and father of six. But what you don't know is what led me to this point to want to share all of this wisdom with men all over the world. And this goes back to a few years ago, before I even knew what it meant, before I even learned what it meant to be a man, a successful man, an honorable, respectable, put together man. And like I said in the intro to this podcast episode, I was with a lady for 10 years and we had two kids together. And I did all of the wrong things in that relationship. And at that point, when she moved out, my life pretty much fell apart and I had to rebuild myself. And the first thing that I did was dive into learning what I had done wrong. And what I found shocked me. Like I said, I did all of the wrong things in that relationship, thinking that I was doing all of the right things. And flash forward a few years later. I'm now married to the woman of my dreams. We have an incredible marriage together. We're best friends, we have four more children together. And now I take everything that I learned from transforming my life and my mindset and I share that with you here on the podcast in my books and all of that. So that's the background. And that is why I teach this stuff. Because in my previous life, I was an absolute nightmare. Then I learned what it means to be a strong man, and then I found that it is my purpose to share that with men all over the world. And what are some of the mistakes that I made in that previous relationship? That's what I'm sharing with you today. And the first thing that I want to share with you today is that I let my past be my identity and let it control my present. So in my childhood and in my teen years, I experienced a lot of trauma in my life. I'm not going to get too much into that. But I went through some really terrible things. And I also grew up pretty, from, lack of a better term, poor. We didn't have a lot of nice things, a lot of money and things like that. And I grew up in, you could call it a bad community. And one of the biggest mistakes that I made in my past relationship, that nightmare relationship, that my life fell apart and all that, was that I defined my life and my identity and even parts of my personality as the worst things that ever happened to me. And I spent a lot of time down and depressed and dwelling on the past and bringing that into my relationship, expressing myself too much about that and kind of thinking that it was her responsibility to make me feel better about it. And I did a lot of the, you know, you don't understand how I feel. You don't understand what I've been through. And that's why I am this way. You know, it was my entire identity, was. I went through all this trauma, and this is why I am the way I am. And I use that for an excuse for all sorts of things in my life. Like, if she would get upset about something that I did or called me out on something that I did or something that I said, I would be like, you don't understand. I'm this way because I went through all this stuff. I defined my life and my present circumstances as those bad things that happened to me in the past. So dwelling on the past and identifying yourself, finding your identity in your past and the things that you've been through will have a massive negative effect on your relationship. And another thing that relates to that, those bad things that happened to me in the past is that unforgiveness is. Is basically a poison. It's a poison to your mind, your mindset, your overall life. Letting go of the past and moving forward, living in the present and being optimistic about the future, that is where success comes from in your life. If you are identifying yourself by the things that happened to you in the past, not only are you going to be miserable, but the people around you are probably going to be miserable too, including your girlfriend or your wife. Letting go and moving forward prepares you to be someone else. If you want to level up every aspect of your life and have a happy, thriving marriage and a happy, thriving life, you have to let go of those things in the past. Forgive those people. Whatever you need to do to say, that is not my identity. That's not who I am. I am who I am right now. And a better version of me is coming every single day. I'm going to get better and better every single day. Reestablish your identity as how good life is right now, not what happened to you 10, 20 years ago. And the next mistake that I want to share with you that I made in that past relationship is. Is over expressing myself, over expressing how I feel and trying to get her to understand how I feel. And what it comes down to in a marriage or in a relationship is that how you feel is not her fault or her responsibility. So one of the biggest mistakes that I made was if I was upset about something or even if I was dwelling on the past. Like I was talking about before. If we were having a disagreement, I would express myself emotionally outwardly by, I mean, this is a little bit embarrassing, but sometimes I would even cry. I would be like, you don't understand how I feel. I would yell, I would get irritable, I would bark at her, things like that. And one of the main pieces of this huge mistake is that I thought, I made the mistake of thinking that the more I expressed myself, the more feeling I put into it, the more she would understand how serious it was and how I felt. So I would like display. I'm like, this is how I feel on the inside. You don't understand. And if you're not understanding that, I'm going to show it even more. And one of the biggest mistakes that you can make in a relationship or in a marriage is thinking that expressing yourself angrily, showing anger is going to communicate how you feel. And that's actually the complete opposite because like we've talked about in recent episodes, women want to feel safe, seen and understood. They don't want to feel in danger or like you can't even handle your emotions. You know, if you fly off the rails all the time, if you're overly expressing yourself, that is seen as weakness in her eyes. It's not seen as strength. You being calm, composed, talking in a calm tone, talking in a leading tone, will actually communicate how you feel way more effectively than losing your mind. And arguing is not constructive, it's actually destructive and will build resentment over time. And another point to be made is that you don't argue and yell at someone that you love. How a man should show up in conflict and express himself if he feels the need to do so is in a calm, level headed, steady, secure, grounded way. And if you have found yourself in conflicts or disagreements, and don't get me wrong, disagreements and discussions are completely normal in relationships and marriages. I mean, it's two different people, two different personalities that are going to disagree sometimes times. So don't beat yourself up if you're having disagreements. What it comes down to though, what I'm trying to communicate here is that you need to know how to do that in the right way and in the most effective way. And expressing your emotions too much, getting angry, crying, even if you found yourself doing that, that is seen as weakness in her eyes and makes her feel unsafe and insecure about the relationship. And if you're someone who has never taught how to effectively have disagreements in a relationship or a marriage and how to even navigate that let's say you were even given the worst example possible by your own par and you think that that's just totally normal. If you're arguing a lot in your marriage or your relationship and you want to know how to be the best that you can be in those situations, I actually just put out a conflict resolution playbook. You can get it at the link in the description of this episode. And I put everything that you need to know about conflict resolution and conflict and disagreements in relationships and marriages. I put it all in there. It's under 50 pages. You can read it and understand it in probably less than a day. So if that's something you're into, definitely check that out. Next huge mistake that I made in my past relationship is not understanding how different men and women actually are. I didn't understand polarity, and I didn't understand that men and women both have specific responsibilities and roles in relationships. I grew up in a society that pushed that men and women were equal and that they were the same and that there were no differences between them. And I honestly feel like that's gotten worse these days. But I definitely bought into that in my younger years, and I never even considered that we were so vastly different. You know what? Understand what I'm saying. I also didn't have a masculine mentor to lead me and guide me in the most critical years of my life. I was pretty much just left to the world to figure it out myself. But what it really comes down to is that men and women, especially masculine men and feminine women, are vastly different beings. And it will greatly, greatly benefit your life, your relationship, and your marriage, if you get a grasp on that fact. And I highly, highly encourage you to dive into researching and learning and studying how different men and women are, are, especially when it comes to marriages and relationships, because it will save you a lot of trouble. And one of the first things that I did when my ex moved out of my life fell apart is I went to the bookstore just seeking information. And the first book that I ever bought was the Way of the Superior man by David Dida. And it completely changed pretty much my entire perspective and outlook on life, especially when it comes to relationships and communicating with women. So I just want to shout out that book really quick. Like, if you want to understand pretty much everything there is to know about the differences between men and women in relationship, I highly, highly recommend that you get the way of the superior man. The next critical mistake that I made in that past relationship is not understanding my role as a man in the relationship. I Didn't understand her desire, her innate desire for a strong protector and provider. And you might ask, if you haven't been here for a while, what is her desire for a strong protector and provider? Well, this goes back hundreds, if not thousands of years ago, when a man would have had to be a strong protector and provider. He would have had to have gone out hunting, fighting off invaders to the village, things like that. And just because modern life, modern society, is so comfortable and everything is so accessible, we didn't just suddenly become a new being. Those innate desires and traits are still within us. And a woman's desire is for a strong protector and provider. Because in the old days, if you weren't a strong protector and provider, she probably wouldn't have survived. So I did not understand that my role in the relationship was to be a protector and provider, to make her feel safe, seen and heard. I understood none of that. And this kind of goes back to the last one, just not understanding the differences between men and women and the massive differences between men and women in relationship. And one of the main reasons that I have such a happy, thriving marriage now, and why it's infinitely better than my past relationship is because I dove in and learned what being a man means, what masculinity is, what polarity is, what my role is as the man in the relationship. The next huge mistake that I made in my past relationship is not having purpose in my life. Back then, I pretty much just went to work, came home, hung out with the kids, played video games, and pretty much did that on repeat. I wasn't pursuing anything. I didn't have a higher calling, a higher purpose. I didn't have a vision for the future. Basically, in her eyes, I was a dead end. I wasn't going anywhere. It was pretty much just gonna be way forever, which I'm pretty sure was probably a nightmare for her to witness. If you want to have a happy, thriving marriage, and if you want to have an overall fulfilled life, you have to have a calling and a purpose. It is my belief that there is a calling and a purpose for every person on this earth. And if you haven't found that calling and that purpose, and if you haven't began pursuing that thing, this is going to affect everything in your life, especially your marriage and your relationship.
[00:13:25] So if you feel like you don't have purpose in your life, I strongly, strongly suggest that you find your purpose, find your calling and pursue that thing relentlessly. Build a future of adventure in abundance. Begin building your lineage and your legacy. What people are going to say about you when you're gone? What did you accomplish? What was that thing? How were you serving others in your life with your unique gifts, your unique talents? And when you find that calling and that purpose and begin pursuing it relentlessly, you will see your marriage or your relationship level up, up like never before. She will look at you in a whole new way. She'll get excited about the future and where you're going and the thing that you're building. She will see that future of adventure and abundance in front of her. What it really comes down to is every aspect of your life will be leveled up by you having purpose in your life. The next critical mistake that I made in my past relationship was expecting her to be something or become something that she's not. And here's the thing, man. If you don't like certain things about her, or if, when it really comes down to it, you don't even like her, you. You can't expect that to change. Imagine that she is going to be how she is right now for the rest of her life. And if that's not something that you're into, that's pretty much not going to change. You can't force someone to become something that they're not. So when she would display those behaviors or those traits or those things that annoyed me, the things that I didn't like, I would get frustrated. We would argue about it, things like that, and I would try to convince her or force her to be something that she's not. And that is a huge, critical error in relationship. If you don't love everything about that person, they're probably not the one for you. And that's just the hard truth. I mean, if the cons outweigh the pros, you can't force that to change. You know what I mean? So never try to force her to be someone or be something that she's not. Encourage her and nurture her to be who she is, her true, authentic self. And if you're not falling in love with that, if you're not falling in love with who she is, her true, authentic self, it's only going to end up terrible. Trust me. The next mistake that I made in my preference, previous relationship is jealousy. Like, really, really toxic jealousy. And nothing will destroy a woman's love and admiration for you quicker than jealousy and accusations. And what jealousy shows is weakness and that you aren't secure in yourself. And if you're not secure in yourself, how can she be secure in you? How can she trust you? And this goes back to the woman's desire to feel safe. And if you aren't secure in yourself, you need to work on that before you can even love someone else. That's really what it comes down to. So I would do those things that were like, ask her where she is, who she's with, who she's talking to. I wanted to check her phone, all that crazy stuff. And I'm telling you, bro, nothing will destroy a relationship quicker than that. And if you're scared that she's gonna cheat on you or be with someone else or talk to someone else, how lowly do you think of yourself? You need to have some self worth, build some self worth, become secure in yourself. Be so secure in yourself. And do that by leveling up every aspect of your life on such a level that you start to think, well, if did that, if she cheated on me, if she was talking to someone else, that's the dumbest thing she's ever done because why would she give me up? You know what I'm saying? If you're afraid that she wants something else, why are you even with her in the first place? I mean, really think about that. What do you think about yourself? Would you want to be with you? And the critical error with jealousy is thinking that if you're checking up on her, if you're checking up on who she's talking to and trying to control everything about her life, you think that you are keeping those things from happening, but it's actually having a reverse effect. And what jealousy comes down to, and what control comes down to is fear. Jealousy will push her away way faster than it will get her to stay. Trust me, it's not doing anything for anybody. And the next critical error that I made in my past relationship is not taking the lead. And this is what I call the I got this mentality. What it really came down to in the end is that she had to become her own man because I wasn't stepping in and being that for her. She had to handle the complexities and the logistics of life all on her own. She had to handle everything on her own. There was hardly ever a point where I was stepping in and taking the lead, handling the business of life. And that's really what it comes down to. If you aren't being a man for her, she will have to be a man for herself. And then what need does she have for you? And if you want to know more about a man's duties and responsibilities in a marriage or a relationship and how to level this stuff up, dude, I Have tons of episodes and content on this very subject. How to take the lead, how to be a strong man in your marriage and in your relationship. Dude, if you like books, I even wrote an entire book book on it. It's called Warrior Husband. It's on the bookshelf right over here behind me. If you're on the video version of this, that's what the COVID looks like. But what it comes down to really is how are you showing up for her as a man. Remember we talked earlier about how different men and women are in relationships and polarity. And by the way, polarity is that there are masculine energies and feminine energies. And are you showing up in the relationship as the masculine energy or as the feminine energy? And is she having to step into the masculine or is she able to relax into her feminine? Because you are taking the lead and having a. I got this mentality. The more you show up for her as her strong man, her protector and provider who makes her feel safe, seen and heard, the more your relationship will level up and thrive. And the last and most critical mistake that I made in my previous relationship, this one. Like, if you don't listen to any of the other advice that I've given you in this episode, listen to this one, because it is massively misled, massively important. The worst mistake that I ever made in my previous relationship was not having God in the relationship or even in my life. God should be at the center of your relationship. God should be at the center of your marriage. And if he's not, there is no way that your life is going to thrive or your marriage is going to thrive. God has to be at the center of everything. Let's say you're one of those people that you don't really have God in your life. And maybe, maybe this is making you a little bit curious about what that even means. Maybe you've never talked to your girlfriend or your wife about this before and you're curious how she feels about it. Just spark up a conversation and be like, you know, you can even lead with, do you believe in God or do we believe in God? Have a conversation about it. If you are someone who has God in your life and you pray sometimes and all these things, but you haven't really put it at the center of your relationship or your marriage or even your life, you might be wondering, well, how do I even go about that? Like I said, have that. That conversation. Start having a time set aside every evening or every day where you read the Bible together or begin praying together, and that Might feel awkward at first, but trust me, there is great power in that. Bring God into your relationship, bring God into your marriage, and you will see everything level up like you can't even imagine. I mean, how can something not level up and thrive if the literal creator of everything incomprehensible power is at the center of it. And if you don't believe in God, if you think that this is last tip isn't that important, maybe you even think that it's stupid. Well, fine, disagree with me and let me know in the comments. But that is my firm true belief. I truly believe that the biggest mistake that I made in my previous relationship was not having God in that relationship. And yeah, man, that's what I got for you guys today. I hope you got something out of this episode. I hope this inspired you in some way to change those things. Maybe you've made some of those same mistakes before too, and this has brought your attention back to, damn, maybe that's the wrong thing to do, you know, I want to have a happy relationship. I want to have a happy marriage. I want to have a happy life. Don't make those mistakes, bro. Trust me. Because my life completely fell apart being that guy, that person. And like I said, now that I have leveled up every aspect of my life, now that I've changed, now that I've learned what it means to be a man and how to have a happy marriage, how to communicate with women, I am in the best marriage I could possibly could possibly imagine. Like, I wouldn't change anything. It is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And just a quick reminder, tons more episodes on this topic. How to be a good Man. How to be a Good Husband. The Conflict Resolution playbook is linked in the description as well as Warrior Husband, the book. If you want to grab a copy of that and yeah, man, get out there, kill it. Level up every aspect of your life. A life of overflowing abundance awaits you. On the other side of you deciding to make the switch, make the change and level up every aspect of your life. I love you, I'm proud of you and you are going to do great things in this life. You listening to this right now? A life of overflowing abundance awaits you. Have a good week, guys, and I'll catch you on the next one. Thanks, Bye.
