Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] If your marriage feels distant, if the spark is gone, if she seems cold, checked out, or constantly irritated and you don't know how you got here, I'm going to tell you something most men don't want to hear, but need to. Your marriage isn't falling apart because you don't love her enough or she doesn't love you enough. It's falling apart because you stopped leading. Most men are trying to fix their marriage by talking more, explaining more, defending themselves more, when what their marriage actually needs is ownership, direction and leadership. Leadership. If it's your first time here, My name is Michael Riggs. I'm a full time author, entrepreneur, men's personal development and marriage mentor, husband and father of six. And I teach men all over the world how to live fully optimized, leveled up lives. So if that's something you're into, definitely stick around. Subscribe to this podcast, subscribe to this channel, wherever you're getting this, because this is what we do here every week. Teach men how to be their most successful selves and how to have happy, thriving marriages. This episode isn't therapy. It's not about blaming your wife and it's not about winning arguments. It's about five mindset shifts that, if you actually apply them, can stabilize, strengthen, and even save your marriage. If you're serious about becoming the man that your wife can feel safe, attracted to and grounded with, again, this episode is the starting point. Stick around. Hello and welcome to the Warrior Kings Podcast. I'm your host, Michael Riggs, here to assist you on your journey to living a fully optimized, leveled up life as a man. So again, welcome and welcome back to the Warrior Kings Podcast. It's great to be here today. It's great to talk to you today. And just really quick, I just want to say that I was checking my stats recently on YouTube and it turns out that most of you who watch this podcast on YouTube actually aren't subscribed to the channel. So definitely hit that subscribe button if you haven't done that already because that helps us reach more people with these powerful messages. And definitely thank you. Thank you so much for watching and listening if it's your first time here. Like I said in the intro, my name is Michael Riggs and a good few years ago I was pretty much a nightmare in my life and my life fell apart and I to rebuild myself and I dove into personal development content. I read every book that I could find, consumed every piece of content I could find. Then I wrote a couple of books and now I share the wisdom that I learned over the years with thousands of men all over the world. So that's what this is all about. And today I'm going to be talking about five mindset shifts that you can make to transform your marriage. So let's dive right into it. And the first mindset shift that I want to talk about today is the shift from I'm right to I'm responsible. Most men don't take responsibility ability for their marriage or their circumstances in life. Most men never look within and question maybe I'm the problem. Most men point the blame at everyone and everything else except for themselves. So if you're having marriage problems, if your marriage is on the rocks or even falling apart, have you taken the time to look within and say, what have I done wrong here? What could I have done better and what can I do better moving forward? And most men never do that. Usually they just point the blame at their wife or their circumstances. Most men never look within. It takes a wise man look within. It takes wisdom to do that. And one thing that most men do make the mistake of doing is feeling the need to constantly be right. And the thing about marriage is it's not all about winning arguments. It's not about being right. Strong marriages are built on men who take ownership, men who take responsibility. So there's this thing that I call the one upping trap. And you might find yourself in a disagreement or an argument in your marriage. You know, it's totally normal to have disagreements in marriage. What's not normal is escalating conflict, escalating arguments. But there's this thing called the one upping trap where she might say something and you feel the need to be right. So then you say something to one up her and then she one ups you and then you one up her. That's the one upping trap. And all that does is spiral into more and more conflict until you both end up saying something that you will regret. And what you need to remember is it's not about being right. And women want to feel safe, seen and heard. And what she's waiting for you to do is be unmovable, unshakable, grounded, still safe and calm so that she can trust you. She feels heard, you are hearing her input. It's not always about being right, it's not always about winning. You understand what I'm saying? So the first mindset shift here is shift from thinking that you need to be right to I'm responsible. And what do I mean by women want to feel safe, seen and heard. Well, one thing that we are never taught for some reason is that men and women operate completely differently. And I know society is trying to tell us that we're all the same and all that nonsense, but what I'm saying is we operate completely differently in all aspects of life. And one of the things that we massively operate differently in is how we handle conflict. A man's nature is to try to fix things, to try to solve the problem, to get to the root cause of the problem and fix it, also to be right. A woman's motive in conflict, the way that a woman approaches a conflict is to feel safe, seen and heard and understood. And one of the ways that you can provide that for is by actually listening to her, not cutting her off when she's speaking, not coming back with something to one up her, not trying to explain away the problem or get to the source of the problem to try to fix the problem, but actually listening to her, making it evident to her that you are listening to her and that you understand where she's coming from, whether the thing makes sense to you or not. The way that the disagreement, the conflict, the argument is solved is by her feeling safe, seen and heard, and also understood. So if you can truly listen, listen to what she's saying, say I understand how you feel. And then calmly, as the grounded masculine energy come back with your response or your explanation, if that's even necessary, that's way more, more effective than the back and forth and the conflict and the arguments and all these things you understand and going back to pointing the blame at everything except for yourself, not looking within and not taking responsibility for the fact that you create the mood, you create the environment. When you realize that your life is your fault, when you really look within and begin analyzing that, you realize that you need to take control of your life and rise to greatness. So shift from I need to be right to I am responsible. The circumstances of your life, the climate of your marriage, everything, your finances, everything comes down to choices that you make, choices that you made and who you decided to be. And it's never too late to change those things. And when a man drops the need to be right, safety and respect in the marriage or in the relationship rises immediately. Leadership begins where ego ends. When you actually show up as her man, the grounded, still safe, calm, masculine, and allow her to feel safe, seen and heard, and get rid of your need to be right, your marriage will level up, up like never before. The second mindset shift that I want to talk about today is the Shift from she should appreciate me to her experience of the marriage starts with me. Strong men, strong husbands understand that the man sets the tone in the marriage, in the relationship and in the home, emotionally and energetically. And this goes back to taking responsibility, looking within. Most men approach their daily lives as if life is just happening to them. Wise men approach each day as if they are in control. You know, so if the atmosphere sphere is tense, distant or reactive, leadership starts by looking inward. And listen, man, you don't react to the environment. You create it with your presence, with your energy. Again with your safe, still calm, grounded, masculine. So what energy are you bringing to your marriage, into your home? What environment are you creating? Do some analyzing, do some thinking, do some reflecting on that. So if it's she should appreciate me, well, should she? If you're acting like an a hole all the time, that's really what it comes down to. Are you showing up as her man, her strong leader, her a rock, or are you showing up like an idiot? And when it comes to her appreciating you, you might be doing a lot, you might be giving a lot, you might be providing a lot, but that is just one piece of the puzzle. It's not all about what you provide for her. It's about who you are as a man, who you show up as as a man. Even if all of that were to disappear, remember, her experience of the marriage starts with you. And so I ask again, what energy are you bringing to the marriage and to your home? Is it a chaotic energy, a stressful energy, a checked out, lazy, the safe, still calm, grounded, masculine? That's really what it comes down to. Are you showing up as her man, the man that she can truly, honestly appreciate? The third mindset shift that I want to talk about today is the shift from she should love me as I am to I must remain the man she chose. And this really comes down to one very important question. Are you still the man that she married or are you the man she thought she was marrying? And there are about two full chapters in my book Warrior Husband on this one subject. So when you guys first met, when were in the dating phase or the honeymoon phase, as they say, maybe even before you got married, the tendency is to put on your best self. You're funny, you're charming, you're making her laugh. You make sure that you look right, that your clothes look right, that you smell good, that you look handsome when you're going to be hanging out, right? There's kind of this self that we put on in Those early days, right? And the idea is to never lose sight of that, to never let yourself go. As they say, ask yourself, when did you stop impressing your wife? Because a lot of people make the mistake of once the ring is on the finger, they say, oh, well, the job is done. I can just relax now and ask yourself, are you still the same man that she married or are you still the same man that she thought she was marrying? And if you were to be honest with yourself, considering the guy you were then and the guy you are now, do you think that in some way she might feel tricked or fooled into being with you? Are you still that guy? Do you still get up and put on your best self every day? Or is it that the only time she sees you, you're relaxing, you're in sweatpants, you're taking some time off, you're drinking beer, watching sports, scratching your nuts, you know, like, is the version of you that she sees all the time? And is that the man that she thought she was marrying? And this goes back to looking within. And this is tough love, man. I'm just being honest with you. These are hard questions. But if you want to level up your marriage like never before, if you want to be the best husband that you can be and repair all the damage that's been done, you're going to need some hard truths. Attraction is sustained, not secured. Love doesn't remove standards. The man she chose had drive, ambition, purpose, presence. And that version of you must stay alive. And comfort is the silent killer of desire in most marriages. Most marriages don't fall apart through betrayal, but through neglect and complacency. I'm sure you've heard somewhere in your life, never stop dating your wife. I always thought that that was cheesy. I feel like that's something for, like, couples therapy and stuff like that. But there is some truth to that. I think what they mean is, remember back to the early days when you were dating your wife. You are putting on your best sel. Every time you were going to see her, you made sure that everything you said was the funniest thing she ever heard or the most witty, charming thing that you could come up with. You were flirting with her. You were courting her. So never stop dating your wife, I think really means look within and don't stop being that guy. And do hang out and do have time together and do go on dates. Another thing that I talk about in my book, Warrior Husband, is that it doesn't always have to be this grand event. A date night could Just be hanging out, making some snacks and watching a movie at home when the kids are in bed. Or if you're an empty nester after whatever it is that you empty nesters do, you know what I'm saying? But in the evening, make it a thing, make it an event. Even if you're staying home, hang out again, again. Make sure that you are your best self every time that you're going to be around her, as if you're trying to impress her again. This is going to make a massive difference in the way that she sees you and the way that she perceives you. So most men make the mistake of saying she should just love me for me. I don't understand what the problem is. Well, ask yourself that question. Are you still the guy that she fell in love with and not. That's a huge problem. I don't know really what else to say about that. Your daily habits shape her perception of you. And this is compounding over time, and it might have been a few years or many years depending how long you've been married, that her perception of you, the way that she sees you, a man, has been crafted and molded. And again, this is something that it is never too late to turn around. Respect is maintained through growth. Women rarely lose love first, they lose respect and growth keeps respect alive. So be sure to show up as your best myself every day and watch your marriage level up. And that is the shift from she should love me as I am to I must remain the man she chose. The fourth mindset shift that I want to talk about today is the false belief that marriage is hard or marriage should be hard. You know, when you're talking about getting married or when you're growing up in life, you hear all the time, marriage is going to be hard. You're really going to have to work on it. It's going to be terrible. You know all of these false beliefs, I call them life ruining fictitious mental constructs that are planted in our brains that hold no bas basis in reality. And why is marriage should be hard a false belief? Well, because marriage doesn't have to be hard. It can be the best thing you've ever done. It could be the best thing in your life. Trust me, as someone who's in a happy, thriving marriage with someone, my wife is my best friend. I'm always looking for more time to spend with her. It's really hard with how many kids we have and how many responsibilities there are in life these days. But as someone in an actually happy marriage, I can tell you For a fact that marriage doesn't have to be hard? And could it be that that is a false belief that have held even as you were getting married and as the years went by in your marriage, you just kept this in your subconscious. Oh, marriage is supposed to be hard. Marriage is going to be difficult. We're really going to have to work at it. And if you didn't hold that belief, would things actually be a lot easier? Because you wouldn't expect it to be hard, you wouldn't expect it to be terrible. You wouldn't expect the honeymoon phase to end someday. And all these things that people say and all of these older married people that told you that marriage is going to be hard, it's going to be difficult and you're really going to have to work on it. Maybe those people aren't very happy in their marriages. That's really what it comes down to. Maybe they don't like the person that they're with and so they project that onto other people and everybody latches onto this thing of, oh, marriage is so hard and difficult. No. If you actually love the person, if you actually want to be around them, if you actually enjoy their company, if you're actually enamored by this person and they're one of the most important things in your life. Is marriage difficult? And can you shift that false belief of marriage should be hard or marriage is going to be hard into marriage is the best thing that ever happened to me. How much greater would your marriage and your life be? Just get rid of that false belief. Because I can tell you for a fact, marriage doesn't have to be hard. It doesn't have to be difficult. Most hard marriages are unclear marriages. No vision, no emotional safety. That's not normal, it's unmanaged. And that is the mindset shift that you need. From marriage is supposed to be hard to marriage thrives when led well. So step up as her man and choose truly make the decision to have a happy, thriving marriage. No more hard, difficult. You're going to have to work at it. Marriage, marriage, happy, thriving marriage. That is a choice that you make right now, today. I promise you're just that simple mindset. Shift away from a completely different marriage in a completely different life. And if you want a step by step framework to level up your marriage like never before and become the best husband that you can be. If you want the fast track, the actual system to turn it all around, there's a link in the description of this podcast episode or this YouTube video for the reforged Husband Complete System. It's an online program that you can complete at your own pace with video lessons, reading portions, actions that you can take to begin implementing immediately to transform your marriage. It's all in there, definitely. Check it out if that's something that you want to dive into and to step into a happy, thriving marriage. And the fifth and final mindset shift that I want to talk about today is the shift from passive husband to intentional leader. And I actually just put out a whole YouTube video about this. If you go to the videos tab on my profile on YouTube, it's the video right before this podcast episode. But leadership is direction, not domination. And it is a man's duty and responsibility to lead his home, to lead his family to victory. And control creates resistance and direction builds trust. And a lot of guys get this wrong. When you say a man should lead his household, he should be the leader of his home. In his household, they think that means being a loud jerk and keeping everybody under control. What true leading is, is being they calm, still, grounded, safe, masculine. Being the wise man, setting the example, leading by example, showing up as the man in marriage and in the home. And one of the things that I talk about in that YouTube video that I mentioned is the best way that you can lead your family is by leading by example. If you want your family to be healthy, be healthy. If you want your family to be successful, be successful and show them what that looks like. If you want your family to be calm, grounded, and have an environment of peace, then be calm and grounded and peaceful. You understand? And your family will follow suit with that. Like we talked about before, you set the tone for the environment. You are responsible for the standard. And another thing, another way to lead is by knowing where you're going, knowing what you're doing, having vision and ambition, not just approaching every day, every circumstance in life as if life is just happening to you. Vision is deeply attractive. A man who knows where he's going naturally makes his wife feel safe walking beside him. And passivity forces her to carry what you want. When a man doesn't lead, the weight shifts and resentment grows quietly. So one important question to ask yourself is, have you been showing up as her man or has she had to be her own man? That's really what it comes down to. And another hard truth that you need to swallow, this is the shift from passive husband to intentional leader. No longer checked out, no longer approaching life as if life is just happening to you. Stepping up to the plate and getting down to business. And stability is built Daily. We've talked before on the podcast about how small actions compound over time. Consistency beats intensity. The more that you show up as the man, as her leader, as her rock, the more that compounds over time. This also goes back to are you still the man she thought she was marrying? It might take some time to shift her perception of you from who you've become into the new version of yourself or even the original version of yourself. You understand what I'm saying? But small, daily actions compound over time. There is no instant magical fix. So it's about being consistent. It's not about intensity. You're not going to show up today or tomorrow and be like, my whole life is transformed and I'm all better and this is exactly who I am now. And your perception of me should be completely different because I'm showing up as my best self today. No. Small actions compound over time. And it's going to take a while to build her trust again and for you to prove that again. But you are no longer the passive husband. You are no longer the lazy husband. You are no longer the husband who is never present. You are the leader, the wise man, the safe, still calm, grounded, masculine force, the masculine energy in the marriage, in the home. And that's a decision that you need to make right now, now. And accept that you are going to be playing the long game, at least for a little while. And if it's been chaotic, if there's been lots of disagreements, maybe even arguments, if it's been cold, distant, if she's disinterested all of these things, peace is the greatest gift that you can give to your wife when you show up as the safe, still calm, grounded, masculine, not perfection, peace and safety. And remember, she wants to feel safe, seen, heard and understood. And peace is earned through intentional leadership. And I have a real question for you right now. Really quick, quick, I'm going to challenge you here. Really quick. Are you going to keep listening to podcast episodes on how to be a better husband, or are you going to make the decision right now to actually do that and be that? That's really what it comes down to. And keep listening and keep reading, but make sure that you are implementing as well. And that starts with one decision right here today. To be the best husband, to be the best man that you can be, and to transform your life, the environment of your home and your marriage. Marriage right now. And that's what I got for you guys today. I hope you got something out of this episode. I hope this episode inspired you in some way to make some change in your marriage and in your life to transform your life and your marriage for the better. If this episode helped you in any way, definitely leave a comment in the comment section. Definitely subscribe. Stick around. And another challenge for you, share this with another man who you think needs to hear it. Because iron sharpens iron. So get out there, kill it. Level up every aspect of your life. I hope you have a good week. There is a great life that awaits you on the other side of you deciding to make the switch, make the change and level up every aspect of your life. A life of overflowing abundance awaits you. There is a great calling and a purpose for your life. You listening to this right now? I love you. I'm proud of you. Have a good week and I'll catch you guys on the next one. Thanks guys. Bye.
